They each started our saying that they had a strong marriage, trusted each other and had firm rules in place, and ended with bitter divorces because sex is called making love for very good reasons and there is always someone much better than you out there for your spouse to meet and fall in love with. Multiple relationships are logistically and emotionally difficult.
14 Ways To Deal With A One-Sided Marriage
They are also very stressful because you always have to think about not doing anything to make the other person feel insecure or ignored. Eventually, people will choose one relationship even if it means compromising, to reduce their stress. When this occurs, the spouse will pick the best person. If that person happens to be richer, better looking, more compatible and better in bed than you, guess who they will pick to stay with. It was almost a cliche that all of the 8 couples we knew with open relationships ended with one or both of the spouses running off with their lovers.
All the logic and reasoning that goes into trying to convince your spouse is nothing more than wanting sex with others without feeling guilty about it. It never is that your spouse wants someone more financially sound or someone that is better looking, smarter, more educated, better dresser, etc.. It is about wanting sex with others plain and simple and yet people try to dress it up by using fancy titles for it. There are 4 billion people on the planet. Sooner or later the odds will indicate that a more appealing partner will be found. I completely disagree with your statement that we All want to share intimacy with our friends.
Perhaps Some do. Speaking for myself, I require a lot of alone time and could never share so much with so many. I think you as well as I project a bias towards our own beliefs.
Strengthening A One-Sided Marriage
I had a wife who had a month long fling that started while on a vacation. I found out and she pulled the same open marriage request theme.
I found this to be an excuse and an attempt to gloss over her blatant disrespect for our marriage. We took vows. I really meant them.
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Why be married if you want to share intimacy with others? Be single and share to your hearts content. I have no problem with that for others but it cannot be part of my relationship. Thank you, Lucasred. Sharing insight from your relationship expectations and then experiences clears up a bunch of the reasons lying under the comments and responses that you leave here to many posters. It is the central theme of expected married life for usually both individuals.
When real Life comes along, the staid expectation hits snag after snag, and gets lots of encouragement to change.
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May I ask you to go watch this presentation about the staid way we people get stuck on preconceptions and staid expectations at a TEDs meeting? Can you see how vulnerable to damage your heart is with the staid expectations that you share here, Lucasred? Actually, by the words you share all over the place here, it is clear that your heart suffers under a burden of defeated expectations that are inflexible, and self-centered. Do you see this? ClaudeA: My expectations are that my wife will be faithful to me as I am to her.
This seems extremely reasonable to me. I would be hurt much more if I agreed to accept cheating or affairs that my wife indulges in. Everytime she allows another man to share complete sexual intimacy would tear me apart. Call it childish if you like. The second point was that I see marriage as a contract.
We both agreed to the terms. If either party wants out of the contract then bring it to the others attention. For me, I would rather be single and dating, than to be married and dating. There would be no benefit to being married For Me if we are both, or individually, dating and having sex with others. There are lots of us who feel just like Lucas. Oh right… society… Uh huh.
My wife has been proposing the open marriage idea for some time now. Even tried to get me and her friend together. I am against it. She was raped at 14 and for the first 10 years of our 12 year marriage, sex was not a big part of it. Now at 36, she feels she is over it and needs to make up for lost time, but it is not with me.
So the day to day is not very exciting. I get that she wants to feel sexy again and even though I make her feel that way, it is more exciting when a stranger makes her feel that way. It would just be sex. She has given me the veto power of any guy she meets, but what does that mean? Just seems like a recipe for the end of a marriage. It means different things to everyone, depending on the context of their own journey with self and partner — hence the age-old disputes between men and women.
Thus they use porn — or other means, multiple partners, swinging etc. This is a gross generalization and I am not taking a moral stand by any means; it is a deeply personal decision and must be seen as thus. Anyway thank you and others for your honest posts, I appreciate it very much. My partner of 22 years sprung the same thing out of the blue on me as well. This is not something one should take lightly. The real issue came when she became infatuated with a co-worker. It had to be with him, it had to be without me there, and it was going to happen with or without my permission.
She refused counselling.
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After weeks of negotiating with me, trying to convince me to engage in relations with a co-worker of mine, I was worn down, I capitulated and told her to go ahead. If she was willing to accept hurting me so bad and risk destroying our relationship. She went ahead.
We are now separated for just over one month. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, worse than dealing with the grief of death. At least with death there is finality, some closure. Unless you are both truly on the same page, this is, IMHO, a very slippery slope and a very dangerous proposition.
Hello Vaesali, May I ask where you are now? I am in your situation you were a year ago and considering just giving in, in hopes this will just get over with. You nailed it with the grief comment, I have felt the same way. I am grieving the loss of somebody who is sitting and telling me they love me more than anything, but will leave if I am unwilling to give them this freedom.
Have you been able to reconcile?